The skies are opening here in Philadelphia. And sometimes when it rains like this, I just miss everything. The clouds pronounced my death months ago. I missed the summer heat and every changing leaf, so why not miss the snow. Sometimes I really just miss everything. Now that I’m back home, I’m useless and tired again. The last thing I can do is even try to move. But the last thing I could ever want is to sit right here forever. I remember the thing I loved most about those days was staying awake all night, sleeping all day, and going home alone. So for now I’m feeling stranded. But mostly I’m just tired, miserable, and hopeful all the same. We will not survive, and we will not be remembered.

Who decided the decorum. As I get older, why should I get shittier?

Spent

I don't know what to do anymore. If life were a job, I'd quit and find a new one

We are not resilient; we are destructive and useless

NP: The National - Boxer

Listened to this album 3 times through at work today, forgot how much his voice does for a tired morning

I can't get a break to save my life. I'm throwing in the towel

All I've learned is to keep my mouth shut. No matter what it means to you, it means nothing to anyone else. No one will ever betray their own convenience for anyone else

I'm just so beaten by all of everything here where I've come back to. Treat strangers like friends, and friends like strangers; this is all you need to get ahead. This is what I've learned this past year.

I've discovered my love for cooking. There is never perfection. I will forever continue trying to achieve something better, something newer, something greater.

THINGS TO DO TODAY:

1. Get over the people I should've given up on long ago

2. Sleep

Two people that I once thought I was very good friends with continue to push me away at all costs. There's no reason for me to be sitting on this stained couch, in this obnoxious apartment, in this trashy town, in this barren corner of the state. There's nothing keeping me here, and the only thing worth leaving is the shitty company I keep.

I've never made a conscious effort before to work as much as possible.

But if that's what keeps me away.

Now and forever

In the unbearable heat of the Kansas summer nights, I really knew these songs. Driving everywhere but with no place to go, these songs really spoke to me. I hear the late summer sun one hour after it sets, the way it casts an eerie glow over everything you see.

The older we get, the darker the nights seem. I swear that it's the truth.
With every passing year, another star burns out to black.
Soon enough we'll all be standing in the dark of night terrified for our lives.
Terrified for ourselves; terrified of ourselves.

I'm sure, though, that we'll learn to illuminate the eves with our steadfast nature. A beacon of light protruding from our never hindered souls. We are bigger than all of this. Or so you think we are. With nature on our side, we can do no wrong. With God on our side, we will always prosper. Tongue in cheek.
But wait! Aren't we in the middle of this game? The game of who has it worse. We seem to have such an insatiable affinity to the game.

You aren't worth saving. But neither am I.

What's the point of friends when they just destroy you in the end?

TNT

Consider me the next Ben Barnett

Hair Stalk

I've had a lot of friends, and I've lost most of them.
I left them sitting in the gutters of the streets that they grew up on

I live in my own singularity. I wish to embrace and accept that fact.

NOW PLAYING:
Bon Iver's "For Emma, Forever Ago"
Whiskeytown's "Stranger's Almanac"
Pianos Become the Teeth's "Saltwater"

Sometimes it just gets easier to breathe when you’re breathing alone. I guess companionship is useless anyways.

Roading

This up and down is tough. So many genuinely nice people, yet still with a selfishness that could dishearten even Gandhi himself. Maybe I'm the selfish one though, requesting people to have the slightest inkling of interest in my dreams. I've been repeatedly ruined by my friends and family. Why should I expect any better from complete strangers? I guess I just thought someone could have that moment that I had at 15 seeing Rocky Votolato the first time. I guess I just thought that someone could recognize what I see as my genuine, kind-hearted manner. I guess after being pushed out so much, it just comes off as a bitter bite.

The chances haven't been given, but why would I expect someone to take that chance on me. I'd love for these words to change someone, but it seems that isn't my fate. I wasn't made to weather these perpetual downs, with the occasional rare up thrown in. I can't even spend one day sitting inside this head without falling apart inside. The pessimism isn't the problem, the reaffirmation made by reality is the kick in the gut.

I can settle in and give it up, or you can just keep kicking.



NP:
Anniversary Club every night

Feared or revered, broken or healed. We all learn to be our own in time.